It's highly suggested that you record your séance because you may think it was unsuccessful, but when you play back the tape you're likely to hear a ghost calling you a loser and telling you to get a life. The instructions say to play "soothing music" (spirits are conjured when participants are relaxed) but I prefer a CD of scary sounds or "The Monster Mash" on repeat. If incense is unavailable, spray a few squirts of Febreze or Arrid Extra Dry into the air. To get started you will need a few key supplies: a white table cloth, a number of candles divisible by three, and incense. Then again, I did used to have successful Ouija board sessions during the day, but I have an inkling my devious friend was moving the message indicator to spell out "lay-off-the-gin-you're-only-in-the-second-grade." That sneaky bitch, nobody makes a rube out of me. Much like freaks, the ghosts only come out at night, so plan your séance at the witching hour. Before you send out your invitations, remember that the number of séance guests should be a multiple of three. Sure it's a little drafty, but it's the only way I can get people to participate. I normally coax douchey* vagrants to attend my séances by promising to keep one breast exposed throughout the ceremony. This fantastic website teaches you how to do just about anything! Actually, you're better off just reading the article on that website instead of this, so please be advised that you are now officially wasting your time. I have conducted a few séances myself, none of which were successful, but I will guide you through the process as I have learned it from. A séance is a chilling ceremony where a group of drunk, giggling asshats attempt to contact spirits by performing a set of unholy rituals.
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